Be-bagged Husband flees TV/movie star

Click here and here for photographic evidence of Husband, laden with bags, crossing the street in front of Kiefer Sutherland.

No word on the identity of that short chick who's all up in Kiefer's rear.

Dear Cohutta, I love you even more, if that is possible. Love, Grilled Cheese Sandwich.

If you saw this past week's episode of "The Real World," you might have fallen in love with Cohutta as I have. Or if you were already in love with him, perhaps you developed an even deeper respect for the Southern-accented, surprisingly reasonable roommate.

Case in point: Parisa is making some grilled cheese sandwiches for her roommates. For some alcohol-fueled and therefore unjustified reason, Shauvon starts freaking out at her that she favors "her boys" over "her girls" because Parisa is making Cohutta's sandwich first. Cohutta sticks up for Parisa, telling Shauvon that she is screaming and throwing bottles for nothing. Then, in a masterstroke, he decides he is too good for this argument, takes his sandwich into his room and proceeds to address it, hoping that perhaps this little toasted cheese therapy session will help get him through living with these idiots. The best part: Shauvon hears him talking and swears that Cohutta is gossiping behind her back, to which Cohutta says, to his sandwich, "See, she even thinks I am talking about her to someone in here, but I am talking to you, grilled cheese sandwich."

It cannot get any better.

Take it from one of the neckless

I simultaneously love and hate Anthony Bourdain. I love to see the places to which he travels on "No Reservations," but I think he is kind of gross as a person (as opposed to, you know, gross as a baboon). His writing is sometimes quite clever, but often quite cliche. All in all, though, I do find him entertaining and his show always enjoys its place in my TiVo Season Pass Manager.

While I am simultaneously loving and hating on Tony, I can safely say that I simply hate Rachael Ray. I am bitter and jealous of the empire that she has built on "taking a little help from the store," as any devoted reader of this blog can tell you. Plus, she doesn't tip very well.

So imagine my thrill upon reading Tony's most recent anti-Rachael tirade, this one relative to her position as spokesperson for Dunkin' Donuts:

"'I'm not a very ethical guy,' Anthony said. 'I don't have a lot of principles. But somehow that seems to me over the line. Juvenile diabetes has exploded. Half of Americans don't have necks. And (Rachael's) up there saying, ‘Eat some [bleeping] Dunkin' Donuts. You look great in that swimsuit — eat another doughnut!' That's evil.'"

I really do believe that it is the sole discretion of the individual to decide which foods go into his or her mouth. I also believe that Rachael is allowed to endorse who she wants to endorse, and that she is permitted to make as much money as suits her.

That said, she remains a pain in the ass. So, go Tony!

Maybe I am not as old as I thought I was?

I am not necessarily proud to admit this, but I am watching "The Real World: Sydney."

And I kind of love one of the roommates.

First of all, let me explain that my advanced age means that I am not generally interested in "The Real World" any longer. I couldn't stomach the kids on the show after, say, the New Orleans season. I made a stab at watching Austin, but decided either I was getting too old, or the show had changed too much for me to care. (I think it's the former, though the latter might play a small part.)

But then when I read that the current season was filmed in Sydney, my favorite city on the planet, I knew I had to suck it up and watch. Because I had to see the location shots; not because I give a crap about the drama of drunk 19-year-olds.

Imagine my surprise, then, upon "meeting" Cohutta, the cowboy-hat/bear-claw-necklace- (an actual claw, not a pastry) wearing Georgian gentleman who is mature beyond his 23 years. He builds log homes for a living and enjoys sitting down with his family for dinner. He is very quick to call out his roommates for their ridiculous behavior, including when Trisha and Parisa are mad that some Australian dude that they've been flirting with tells them they're "sixes or sevens." Cohutta is all, only an insecure woman would feel the need to ask a guy to rate her. You should be confident in yourself, and don't ask questions to which you don't want the answers. You tell 'em, Hutty.

Cohutta is not a saint, as evidenced by his unwillingness to go to Sydney's Mardi Gras parade, one of the finest "gay" events in the world. Additionally, roommate Isaac displayed heretofore unknown (for a "Real World" house) reason during a recent fight with Shauvon, after she fell off his lap in a drunken state. He refuses to apologize for her being drunk, though he does apologize for calling her a "slut," saying that's what he calls women when he is mad. That's not cool, but stick with me, here. He gets through his calm little speech -- through which Shauvon wailed and sobbed -- and states, matter-of-factly, "This was a good talk." Hilarious.

Neither Cohutta nor Isaac are above reproach, as they are males in their early 20s, after all, who have willingly placed themselves on a reality television show known for its debauchery. I'm just saying that they're a little sharper and/or more normal, I daresay, than your typical RW roomie. Cohutta is a random voice of reason that I did not expect in a "Real World" cast.

I can't wait to see how he responds in the next episode, when, according to the preview, it appears a roommate throws a drink at him.

As a lifelong Clevelander, I am not used to success or any "outside" recognition thereof

This weekend's episode of "The Soup" closed with one of the show's producers sitting in a chair, brushing Joel McHale's mullet wig as Joel sat on the floor in front of him. (This was a reference to an episode of "Wife Swap" wherein a wife brushes her husband's mullet while simultaneously telling him what a man he is.)

As the producer brushes his mane, Joel asks (I'm paraphrasing here), "So, do you think Cleveland will take it? I think they will." This reference to the Cleveland Cavaliers-Detroit Pistons series, which the Cavs clinched to great effect (BOOBIE!) on Saturday night, is remarkable. Not only is somebody outside of Cleveland talking about a Cleveland sports franchise, but that person outside of Cleveland is speaking positively about a Cleveland sports franchise and stating that he believes it can win.

Unheard of. I don't quite know how to process these feelings. When the Indians went the World Series in 1995 and 1997, it was an incredible and amazing thrill. But I lived in Chicago at the time, so I wasn't able to absorb the ambient hysteria and enthusiasm that came with living in the proximity of a championship team. Also, growing up in suburban Cleveland, I really didn't have a sense of just how futile the city was. I mean, I knew the Cuyahoga River caught on fire, and I knew that this was a very bad thing. I had the vague sense that Mayor Kucinich was inept. But I wasn't aware of the subtleties of Cleveland politics and business and education and economic development -- topics with which I'm quite familiar now having returned and worked in the city as an "adult."

I am acutely aware of Cleveland's troubles, and how good it will feel -- even temporarily, even though I don't care about basketball itself -- to have one 22-year-old from Akron (who "gets" Northeast Ohio's futility as well) singularly lift us all up on this tattooed shoulders.

That someone else, in Los Angeles no less, thinks Cleveland can win at something is a foreign and thrilling concept, indeed. Thanks, Joel. As if Little Gay, CRUISE WATCH, Clippos Magnificos and Souper Fantastic Ultra Wish Time were not enough, you believe in us, man.

Some obligatory Star Wars content

Many thanks to Husband for drawing my attention to this brilliant piece of work.

Which reminds me, set your TiVos, folks!

The story of Anakin Skywalker's descent into darkness and his son Luke's quest to conquer evil has spellbound audiences for 30 years. The reason for this is simple: the saga of Star Wars is universal and firmly rooted in the mythology and the political history of the entire planet. May 2007 will mark the 30th anniversary of George Lucas' space fantasy that grossed billions worldwide. For the first time take a profound look at the serious subtext behind Lucas' six film milestone. The influence of ancient mythology from Greek legends to King Arthur is visible; but also more recent historical influences, from the political rise of Napoleon to the machinations of Adolf Hitler can be seen.

And while I'm posting Star Wars-related links, may I kindly draw your attention to this book. It is endlessly entertaining and will provide you with all sorts of ammunition to argue with the Star Wars haters in your life (or even those, like my husband, who like Star Wars but just want to be difficult and argumentative).

She might have a few pounds to lose herself, after carrying the demon spawn of DiMera

EXCELLENT NEWS INVOLVING TWO OF MY MOST FAVORITEST TELEVISION PROGRAMMES:

Q: When is "The Biggest Loser" returning to television? It is very motivating.

A: "The Biggest Loser," NBC's weight-loss reality show, has been renewed for a fourth season. Casting has ended, but there's no word yet on when the show will air -- probably late summer or early fall.

NBC is promising fresh changes for the new season, and one of them was announced in February: Host Caroline Rhea, often criticized by viewers for carrying a few extra pounds herself, will not be returning.

The show's new host is Alison Sweeney, who plays Sami on NBC's daytime soap "Days of Our Lives." Sweeney told Soap Opera Digest "I don't mean to be cheesy, but I really believe in the message of the show, which is helping people and educating them on how to live a healthier life." She also told the magazine that her "Loser" shoots will not affect her role on "Days" and she will continue to appear on the soap.

I can already imagine the potential catchphrases: "I'm sorry, you are not the biggest loser. But at least E.J. Wells has not brainwashed you." Or, "It's time to cut the fat...and harvest John Black's kidney!"

Geddy Lee is a powerful motivator

There is an ad on ESPN for the network's free fantasy baseball "service," and it fucking rules.

I do enjoy baseball, but I would never participate in any sort of fantasy league. In fact, participating in some such league, for me, would be much less of a fantasy and much more of a hellish reality. My husband -- lifelong Mets fan, Major League Baseball employee, knower of all statistics -- as you might imagine participates in several leagues each year. He even won some cash money last year in his favorite league, thereby earning himself the right to tote around a communal trophy for the 2007 season (which is roughly the size of the Stanley Cup).


As you can imagine, I make fun of him a lot. (Except for when he wins the benjamins. That I am OK with.)

So last night during the Mets vs. Cardinals season opener this ad came on, and because I love the rock I immediately looked up from the issue of This Old House that I was reading. I thought, OK, this is a funny ad. Could have been done better, but there is a keytar so I can't complain. Then we reached the end of the ad, where it became the most awesome television advertisement since Domino's Pizza mocked my silly rules: Rush's Geddy Lee wails, "FANTASY BASEBALL IT'S FREE AND IT ROCKS!!!" Case, closed. Fucking socks, rocked off. And I don't even like Rush.

(The YouTube video of the ad unfortunately cuts off a split second too soon, so one can't appreciate the full sincerity of Geddy's exhortation. Sadly, I sort of suck at the Internet and can't find a better version.)

When the ad was over, Husband turned to me and said, "See, now you're going to want to do fantasy baseball." And instead of my normal response, which would have been something like, "I would never do fantasy baseball; no way it is for losers," I instead said, "I don't know enough about baseball to do fantasy baseball."

Because if I knew more, dear Geddy, you and I would be negotiating a trade RIGHT NOW.

Today's screencap(s) of last night's "Lost"

In which there is awesome ping-ponging:

And Lando Calrissian:

Today's screencap(s) of last night's "Lost"

In which Locke is an asshole:

But I cannot blame him because his father is worse:

"THE MAN FROM TALLAHASSEE?" THIS IS SOME CREEPY SHIT.

Today's screencap of last night's "Lost"

In which we enjoy Kate's biceps and shoulders as she straddles a tree:

Meanwhile, what the hell is going on with Locke? Is he an Other? Can it possibly be? I can't wait until next week's Locke-centric foray....

Today's screencap(s) of last night's "Lost"

In which we learn of Chef Sayid's knife skills:

And also there is a pretty kitty:

Today's screencap of last Wednesday's "Lost"

In which it took me almost a week to post this, because the episode was just that boring (except for beautiful Vincent, that good boy):


(I also did not appreciate the way the episode ended with Kate's dramatic "revelation" that Other Alex might be/is Rousseau's daughter. How is this relevatory? Were we supposed to be shocked by this? Haven't we known this for at least a season and a half? I'm just saying.)

Today's screencap of last night's "Lost"

In which Bai Ling has awesome striped hair:

(Thanks to lost-media.com for all the awesome screencaps.)

Today's screencap of last night's "Lost"

In which we confirm that each and every episode should be about Desmond:

Today's screencap(s) of last night's "Lost"

In which we return to disgusting spinal surgery after a brutal three-month hiatus...

...only to find ourselves amidst a rave:

What Would Boner Do?

I am completely and utterly fascinated by Kirk Cameron's born-again Christian show on TBN, "The Way of the Master." I could watch Mike Seaver harrass unsuspecting people on the street about the nature of God all. day. long.

"Master" claims to be "a new look at reality TV. Each program is 30 minutes of [co-host] Ray [Comfort] and Kirk teaching Christians how to share their faith effectively and inoffensively....Learn how to approach strangers — without offense and yet with great effectiveness. How to answer difficult questions. How to prove God's existence. Learn how to do what Jesus did and circumnavigate the intellect (the area of argument) and speak to the sinner’s conscience. How to get tracts into the hands of the lost without looking like a fanatic." (Emphasis mine.)

Every person from whom I've ever received a tract was rather fanatical, I have to say. Despite claiming otherwise, dear Kirk is actually especially fanatical. Really, all I ever needed from Kirk Cameron was some whiny banter between him and Alan Thicke, or perhaps some Pritikin diet tips. What I'm not so keen on is...

"How should I witness to a Jew?"
Sadly, many of today’s Jews profess godliness but don’t embrace the Scriptures as we presume they do. Therefore, it is often difficult to reason with them about Jesus being the Messiah. This is why it is imperative to ask a Jew if he has kept the Law of Moses — to "shut" him up under the Law (Galatians 3:23) and strip him of his self-righteousness. The Law will show him his need of a Savior and become a "schoolmaster" to bring him to Christ (Galatians 3:24), as happened to Paul, Nicodemus, and Nathaniel. It was the Law that brought 3,000 Jews to the foot of the cross on the Day of Pentecost. Without it they would not have known that they had sinned (Romans 7:7), and therefore would not have seen their need of the Savior. See Luke 18:20 footnote for how to use the Law in evangelism.

...yet I can't turn it off.

Isn't she supposed to be one of the most respected journalists in America?

This morning I happened to be watching The View. I am not necessarily proud of this, but my work schedule is different for many of the days in December and I thought, hell, let's see what comes out of Rosie's big trap. They were talking about that recent story where a rabbi threatened a lawsuit if the Seattle-Tacoma airport did not add a menorah to its display of Christmas trees. The discussion among the stunning and brilliant View dames went the expected course: there should be Christmas trees! and menorahs! and "Kwanzaa bushes!" and "Ramadan candles!" And our View set should be decorated with all of those! (No joke.)

But then Barbara Walters chimed in with a very brief comment about Hanukkah that was very easily missed because someone else was talking over her. (Imagine.) I am paraphrasing here, but she said something to the effect of, "Hanukkah is a festival of light, when they commemorate the temple burning down."

Honestly, one of the most venerated journalists in the United States, and certainly one of the most celebrated women in the field, does not even know what Hanukkah is. Even if you put aside the influence Barbara Walters wields ("If Barbara Walters said it, it must be true."), the mere fact is, she should be smarter than that.

It is not like she mixed up Tu B'Shevat and Tzom Gedaliah. Barbara Walters should be learned enough to understand that Hanukkah celebrates the rededication of the Temple, when one jar of consecrated oil, that was only sufficient to burn for one day, burned for eight instead.

You could say this is splitting hairs, as Hanukkah does involve light and a temple. But, commonly, if someone asked me what Hanukkah was -- or if I was going to say one sentence about the holiday on my insipid daytime talk show -- I would not say, "That's when Jews celebrate the temple burning down." I would probably say something like, "That's the celebration of one day's worth of oil's lasting for eight days." Which is simplistic, to be sure, but at least it is cleaner, contextually.

Regardless of how you feel about the original SEA-TAC airport story itself -- whether you think the rabbi or the airport overreacted, whether you feel our society is hyper-litigious, whether or not you'd prefer your airport staff playing "cultural anthropologist" or, say, screening your baggage and trying to ensure on-time departure -- you have to admit that you expect more from Barbara. At least I do.

The "F" stands for "food"

My new favourite television program is Gordon Ramsay's The F Word.

If you like Hell's Kitchen but somehow do not like all the swearing and berating, The F Word might be just right for you -- though I do not understand how you could like Hell's Kitchen whilst disliking the ranting and raving. Anyway.

The F Word is a more "traditional" cooking show in that Chef Ramsay actually teaches you to prepare dishes that you could make at home (if you liked foie gras). It also has a field-trip segment -- in the first episode I watched, Gordon took his kids to a turkey farm and then some British food critic journeyed to a kebab factory -- as well as a sort of celebrity-interview vibe. I use the term "celebrity" loosely; the episode I saw featured a comedian named Al Murray and an actress called Martine McCutcheon. I'm sure it's a UK thing.

(For the record, I am rather dismayed that Gordon took his kids to pick out six turkeys to raise in their backyard to kill in time for Christmas dinner. Though his motivation of showing the tots that dinner comes from someplace beyond the supermarket is indeed admirable -- and I am all for people's understanding that the meat on their plate was once a living, breathing animal -- the exercise of encouraging the little children to name and pet creatures that they'll have to consume in a few months is a trifle tragic.)

The best thing about the show just might be the exquisite Britpop theme song, an already-existing track called "The F Word" by Babybird, aka Stephen Jones, who is apparently a student of the Bright Eyes/Dashboard Confessional/Badly Drawn Boy school of naming oneself and one's rock and roll endeavors. Rachael Ray's 30 Minute Meals theme song is hopelessly square by comparison.

There's The F Word restaurant, where the food and interview segments are filmed. You can even apply to cook with Gordon in The F Word kitchen. Finally, he's undertaking an initiative to get women back into the kitchen. Which is bad-ass in its non-political correctness. Plus, Gordon Ramsay is strangely magnetic and hot. Is it wrong of me to say that? Probably. But still...for a freaking British chef who is in no way traditionally "attractive"...man alive.

Update: Just watched another episode on the TiVo. This one featured a bit on low sperm counts and whether chefs are more susceptible to them because range tops are at scrotum-level. Our man Gordon has a low sperm count, of which I'm struggling to find the significance because he has four (five?) children. There was also a piece on which of the major supermarkets in England is selling the "economy sausage" that contains the highest percentage of connective tissue, skin and sinew yet is still legally labeled "meat." Don't shop at Tesco if you like lots of actual meat in your economy sausage.

Though I am prone to superlatives, I must state that I'm not sure TV gets any better than this.

Today's screencap of last night's "Lost"

Enjoy it, because you won't know if Kate runs until February 7, 2007: