Take it from one of the neckless

I simultaneously love and hate Anthony Bourdain. I love to see the places to which he travels on "No Reservations," but I think he is kind of gross as a person (as opposed to, you know, gross as a baboon). His writing is sometimes quite clever, but often quite cliche. All in all, though, I do find him entertaining and his show always enjoys its place in my TiVo Season Pass Manager.

While I am simultaneously loving and hating on Tony, I can safely say that I simply hate Rachael Ray. I am bitter and jealous of the empire that she has built on "taking a little help from the store," as any devoted reader of this blog can tell you. Plus, she doesn't tip very well.

So imagine my thrill upon reading Tony's most recent anti-Rachael tirade, this one relative to her position as spokesperson for Dunkin' Donuts:

"'I'm not a very ethical guy,' Anthony said. 'I don't have a lot of principles. But somehow that seems to me over the line. Juvenile diabetes has exploded. Half of Americans don't have necks. And (Rachael's) up there saying, ‘Eat some [bleeping] Dunkin' Donuts. You look great in that swimsuit — eat another doughnut!' That's evil.'"

I really do believe that it is the sole discretion of the individual to decide which foods go into his or her mouth. I also believe that Rachael is allowed to endorse who she wants to endorse, and that she is permitted to make as much money as suits her.

That said, she remains a pain in the ass. So, go Tony!

Inexplicable sausage eating

Yesterday, on the way back from a wedding in the Finger Lakes region of New York, we stopped in Buffalo to visit our cousins. It was a lovely day, and we were enjoying their beautiful backyard and wonderful patio. They suggested that we stay for lunch, and fired up the grill to char some kielbasa. Sister and I had not had kielbasa in at least 15 years, as we "don't eat meat" -- well, at least red meat and pork.

But I mean to tell you, we SCARFED that kielbasa, eating two sandwiches each.

We do not know what came over us.

Today's screencap(s) of last night's "Lost"

In which we learn of Chef Sayid's knife skills:

And also there is a pretty kitty:

Regarding Rachael Ray: "Complain all you want. It’s like railing against the pounding surf."

I am rather displeased with the Food Network.

But Tony Bourdain says it more thoroughly -- and with more insider knowledge -- than I ever could. Salient point:

I mourn for Mario..and Alton...Bobby and yes--even Emeril, nobly holding the fort while the TV empire he helped build crumbles like undercooked Bundt cake into a goo of Cheez Wiz around him.

Enjoy as I regurgitate dot-com content for your reading pleasure.

Slow afternoon

Not much happening today at work, and much to my shame I've been perusing the Rachael Ray Sucks Community at LiveJournal. And while I do think she kind of sucks, I have only been able to come to that conclusion because I watch her show. Which means that I either like her, or am jealous of her, or something. Which means she wins. (But I will be the winner when I play 30 Minute Meals bingo later, when I hit the jackpot on her first mention of Grandpa Emmanuel.)

I am fully aware of my place among the people who "hate" her but who are also strangely "obssessed" with her; I want to read about how much energy the haters are willing to devote to the dot-com in the service of reviling her. My husband thinks this strange love/hate phenomenon makes her seem somewhat like the antichrist.

Anyway, the focus of this post is not Rachael Ray. The crap I was reading about her this afternoon got me thinking about how much the Food Network has changed since I started watching it nearly 10 years ago. I consider myself to be a decent and knowledgeable cook, and what I didn't learn from Mom and Dad I learned from late-'90s Food Network. David Rosengarten. Sara Moulton. Ming Tsai. Two Fat Ladies. Too Hot Tamales.

Sadly, the network now is a vast wasteland of insipid food competitions, poorly executed travel documentaries, cursory lists and cloyingly-written peeks into mass food production. Alton Brown is the lone guiding beacon on this foggy, craggy shore.

I would forsake all other TV (except "Lost") to see some of those 1990s shows again. There should be a "Food Network Classic" channel -- much like ESPN Classic. They could run all those old hour-long live shows that Sara Moulton used to do. Those were awesome. Sara finished a complete meal in a whole freaking hour, and did it without resorting to carrying around a delicately balanced tower of onions, unwashed celery and poultry seasoning to save supposedly time-sucking trips to and from the cupboards. They could also rerun...

..."Taste." David Rosengarten's brilliant mother show, which begat Alton Brown's nearly perfect but not-all-the-way-there "Good Eats." I beseech someone -- ANYONE -- to release the old "Taste"s on DVD. David, do you own them? Does some production company? How about the Food Network? PLEASE! That show was sublime, and did the absolute best job of devoting whole episodes to a single ingredient or dish. The pasta carbonara installment was especially great; David dressed up as a WWII soldier to enjoy the finished product (apparently the dish gained popularity among American GIs in Italy during the second World War). If I recall correctly, both David and Alton have theater degrees and also went to cooking school. Is it any wonder their shows are so similar in execution?

Attention, Food Network: people love Alton. They will love David (if they don't already). Rerun the old "Taste." Or release it on DVD. Or facilitate the DVD release, somehow, if you don't own the shows. Do something, I beg. It really isn't that much to ask.

The "F" stands for "food"

My new favourite television program is Gordon Ramsay's The F Word.

If you like Hell's Kitchen but somehow do not like all the swearing and berating, The F Word might be just right for you -- though I do not understand how you could like Hell's Kitchen whilst disliking the ranting and raving. Anyway.

The F Word is a more "traditional" cooking show in that Chef Ramsay actually teaches you to prepare dishes that you could make at home (if you liked foie gras). It also has a field-trip segment -- in the first episode I watched, Gordon took his kids to a turkey farm and then some British food critic journeyed to a kebab factory -- as well as a sort of celebrity-interview vibe. I use the term "celebrity" loosely; the episode I saw featured a comedian named Al Murray and an actress called Martine McCutcheon. I'm sure it's a UK thing.

(For the record, I am rather dismayed that Gordon took his kids to pick out six turkeys to raise in their backyard to kill in time for Christmas dinner. Though his motivation of showing the tots that dinner comes from someplace beyond the supermarket is indeed admirable -- and I am all for people's understanding that the meat on their plate was once a living, breathing animal -- the exercise of encouraging the little children to name and pet creatures that they'll have to consume in a few months is a trifle tragic.)

The best thing about the show just might be the exquisite Britpop theme song, an already-existing track called "The F Word" by Babybird, aka Stephen Jones, who is apparently a student of the Bright Eyes/Dashboard Confessional/Badly Drawn Boy school of naming oneself and one's rock and roll endeavors. Rachael Ray's 30 Minute Meals theme song is hopelessly square by comparison.

There's The F Word restaurant, where the food and interview segments are filmed. You can even apply to cook with Gordon in The F Word kitchen. Finally, he's undertaking an initiative to get women back into the kitchen. Which is bad-ass in its non-political correctness. Plus, Gordon Ramsay is strangely magnetic and hot. Is it wrong of me to say that? Probably. But still...for a freaking British chef who is in no way traditionally "attractive"...man alive.

Update: Just watched another episode on the TiVo. This one featured a bit on low sperm counts and whether chefs are more susceptible to them because range tops are at scrotum-level. Our man Gordon has a low sperm count, of which I'm struggling to find the significance because he has four (five?) children. There was also a piece on which of the major supermarkets in England is selling the "economy sausage" that contains the highest percentage of connective tissue, skin and sinew yet is still legally labeled "meat." Don't shop at Tesco if you like lots of actual meat in your economy sausage.

Though I am prone to superlatives, I must state that I'm not sure TV gets any better than this.

She still rolled up a pretzel rod inside a piece of salami and called it an appetizer, so it's OK

I just had to do it. I had to watch the first episode of Rachael Ray's new daytime talk show. As I programmed the TiVo, I thought: (1) it might be sort of like watching a train wreck; (2) I need to know what she can do beyond "taking a little help from the store" by opening a can of beans; and (3) I am curious to see just how far Oprah's influence can take you, even when you are a babbling fool. (Yes, I know the answer to #3 is very, very far, unless you are James Frey.) I wanted to be able to write something nasty, such as "I don't know what makes me more nauseous: Rachael Ray's rotating stage or her persona."

And?

You guessed it. She wasn't half bad. I absolutely hate hate hate to admit this, but she has a little personality in there that is pretty funny and surprisingly articulate. One that has been totally obfuscated by the EVOO on her Food Network gig. A few times during her new show, this little personality appeared and made me think, maybe she is a little like me. Is it possible? Am I relating to her? Shit.

Then there's her unbridled enthusiasm. I always knew she was this way, as it's a characteristic that comes through very clearly on her Food Network shows. In that context, however, it is extremely annoying. Her thrill at spending less than $40 per day on meals makes me want to slap her. On the daytime show, though, she seems more genuine. More relaxed. More grateful for her success, which many (including jealous ol' me) argue that she should not even have. At one point she said, "I'm Rachael Ray, and I'll give you a dollar if you watch me." It appears that she has some wit under all that vapid garbage bowling.

I don't think I'll watch her each day; she's not that good. Plus, I already have a two-hour daytime TV commitment and if I increase that to three hours, the dog will never get walked again. And then I will no longer be Pack Leader, and Cesar Millan will be all over my ass. But still....Maybe my husband is right after all. Maybe I like Rachael Ray. Is it possible? It can't be possible. I am having an identity crisis of epic proportions.