Take it from one of the neckless

I simultaneously love and hate Anthony Bourdain. I love to see the places to which he travels on "No Reservations," but I think he is kind of gross as a person (as opposed to, you know, gross as a baboon). His writing is sometimes quite clever, but often quite cliche. All in all, though, I do find him entertaining and his show always enjoys its place in my TiVo Season Pass Manager.

While I am simultaneously loving and hating on Tony, I can safely say that I simply hate Rachael Ray. I am bitter and jealous of the empire that she has built on "taking a little help from the store," as any devoted reader of this blog can tell you. Plus, she doesn't tip very well.

So imagine my thrill upon reading Tony's most recent anti-Rachael tirade, this one relative to her position as spokesperson for Dunkin' Donuts:

"'I'm not a very ethical guy,' Anthony said. 'I don't have a lot of principles. But somehow that seems to me over the line. Juvenile diabetes has exploded. Half of Americans don't have necks. And (Rachael's) up there saying, ‘Eat some [bleeping] Dunkin' Donuts. You look great in that swimsuit — eat another doughnut!' That's evil.'"

I really do believe that it is the sole discretion of the individual to decide which foods go into his or her mouth. I also believe that Rachael is allowed to endorse who she wants to endorse, and that she is permitted to make as much money as suits her.

That said, she remains a pain in the ass. So, go Tony!

Regarding Rachael Ray: "Complain all you want. It’s like railing against the pounding surf."

I am rather displeased with the Food Network.

But Tony Bourdain says it more thoroughly -- and with more insider knowledge -- than I ever could. Salient point:

I mourn for Mario..and Alton...Bobby and yes--even Emeril, nobly holding the fort while the TV empire he helped build crumbles like undercooked Bundt cake into a goo of Cheez Wiz around him.

Enjoy as I regurgitate dot-com content for your reading pleasure.

Slow afternoon

Not much happening today at work, and much to my shame I've been perusing the Rachael Ray Sucks Community at LiveJournal. And while I do think she kind of sucks, I have only been able to come to that conclusion because I watch her show. Which means that I either like her, or am jealous of her, or something. Which means she wins. (But I will be the winner when I play 30 Minute Meals bingo later, when I hit the jackpot on her first mention of Grandpa Emmanuel.)

I am fully aware of my place among the people who "hate" her but who are also strangely "obssessed" with her; I want to read about how much energy the haters are willing to devote to the dot-com in the service of reviling her. My husband thinks this strange love/hate phenomenon makes her seem somewhat like the antichrist.

Anyway, the focus of this post is not Rachael Ray. The crap I was reading about her this afternoon got me thinking about how much the Food Network has changed since I started watching it nearly 10 years ago. I consider myself to be a decent and knowledgeable cook, and what I didn't learn from Mom and Dad I learned from late-'90s Food Network. David Rosengarten. Sara Moulton. Ming Tsai. Two Fat Ladies. Too Hot Tamales.

Sadly, the network now is a vast wasteland of insipid food competitions, poorly executed travel documentaries, cursory lists and cloyingly-written peeks into mass food production. Alton Brown is the lone guiding beacon on this foggy, craggy shore.

I would forsake all other TV (except "Lost") to see some of those 1990s shows again. There should be a "Food Network Classic" channel -- much like ESPN Classic. They could run all those old hour-long live shows that Sara Moulton used to do. Those were awesome. Sara finished a complete meal in a whole freaking hour, and did it without resorting to carrying around a delicately balanced tower of onions, unwashed celery and poultry seasoning to save supposedly time-sucking trips to and from the cupboards. They could also rerun...

..."Taste." David Rosengarten's brilliant mother show, which begat Alton Brown's nearly perfect but not-all-the-way-there "Good Eats." I beseech someone -- ANYONE -- to release the old "Taste"s on DVD. David, do you own them? Does some production company? How about the Food Network? PLEASE! That show was sublime, and did the absolute best job of devoting whole episodes to a single ingredient or dish. The pasta carbonara installment was especially great; David dressed up as a WWII soldier to enjoy the finished product (apparently the dish gained popularity among American GIs in Italy during the second World War). If I recall correctly, both David and Alton have theater degrees and also went to cooking school. Is it any wonder their shows are so similar in execution?

Attention, Food Network: people love Alton. They will love David (if they don't already). Rerun the old "Taste." Or release it on DVD. Or facilitate the DVD release, somehow, if you don't own the shows. Do something, I beg. It really isn't that much to ask.

She still rolled up a pretzel rod inside a piece of salami and called it an appetizer, so it's OK

I just had to do it. I had to watch the first episode of Rachael Ray's new daytime talk show. As I programmed the TiVo, I thought: (1) it might be sort of like watching a train wreck; (2) I need to know what she can do beyond "taking a little help from the store" by opening a can of beans; and (3) I am curious to see just how far Oprah's influence can take you, even when you are a babbling fool. (Yes, I know the answer to #3 is very, very far, unless you are James Frey.) I wanted to be able to write something nasty, such as "I don't know what makes me more nauseous: Rachael Ray's rotating stage or her persona."

And?

You guessed it. She wasn't half bad. I absolutely hate hate hate to admit this, but she has a little personality in there that is pretty funny and surprisingly articulate. One that has been totally obfuscated by the EVOO on her Food Network gig. A few times during her new show, this little personality appeared and made me think, maybe she is a little like me. Is it possible? Am I relating to her? Shit.

Then there's her unbridled enthusiasm. I always knew she was this way, as it's a characteristic that comes through very clearly on her Food Network shows. In that context, however, it is extremely annoying. Her thrill at spending less than $40 per day on meals makes me want to slap her. On the daytime show, though, she seems more genuine. More relaxed. More grateful for her success, which many (including jealous ol' me) argue that she should not even have. At one point she said, "I'm Rachael Ray, and I'll give you a dollar if you watch me." It appears that she has some wit under all that vapid garbage bowling.

I don't think I'll watch her each day; she's not that good. Plus, I already have a two-hour daytime TV commitment and if I increase that to three hours, the dog will never get walked again. And then I will no longer be Pack Leader, and Cesar Millan will be all over my ass. But still....Maybe my husband is right after all. Maybe I like Rachael Ray. Is it possible? It can't be possible. I am having an identity crisis of epic proportions.

Desire to blog remains strong despite recent shift in priorities

So it's been awhile since I've posted on this here blog, and I hear that my reader (singular) has grown tired of clicking on his Sympathetic Weather bookmark only to see the same ol' languishing page. I've been rather mercurial over the past month(s), what with a family emergency that has yet to sink in (bad) and the purchase of and move into our first home (good). February and March were at once tragic and exhilarating, despairing and hopeful. It's hard to blog at such times, let alone care about The Bachelor: Paris and Best Week Ever and Obi-Wan Kenobi and all the other crap to which the 'Weather is dedicated.

But it all just goes on, and so must I. The dot-com don't stop for nobody. However, I don't really have anything to say at the moment:

1. I am five episodes behind on Lost and Desperate Housewives (thank God for TiVo).
2. I have not watched The Soup in ages.
3. I have no idea what Martha Stewart is making that I should be purchasing, beyond Blueprint (my trial issue -- yay! -- should be in the mail).
4. I have not purchased tickets to the INXS show in Cleveland in May, even though I was willing to drag husband to Detroit to see them in February.
5. I haven't watched Rachael Ray open a store-bought pound cake and call it a "recipe" since at least '05.

Instead, given my status as a new homeowner, I'm now focused on a completely different set of things:

1. Oak leaves do not decay in any sort of timely manner, and must be raked in spring if the prior owner failed to do so last fall.
2. 10%-off Lowe's coupons do not apply to Fisher & Paykel or John Deere products.
3. In many cases, lamp shades are more expensive than they should be -- worse even than king-size bed sheets.
4. Old English Scratch Filler is a miraculous product.
5. We have two water meters: one to measure indoor use, one for outdoor. Sewer usage is based on the indoor meter reading.
6. Even after I remove the dead battery, the smoke detectors in the house keep chirping. Just like what happened to Phoebe that one time on Friends.
7. Pedestal sinks are somewhat impractical.

I need to find a way to reconcile these varied interests and foci so that this blog remains fascinating and not weighed down by tedious tales of painting shutters or re-keying dead bolts. Perhaps there will soon be an episode of Lost where Hurley begs Sawyer for a bottle of Milsek from his stash, because Locke asked Hurley to polish the stainless steel appliances in the Swan Station. But Sawyer won't relinquish it unless Hurley promises to spackle, tape and otherwise prep his tent for a new paint job. (Sawyer wants to create interest by painting an accent wall in his tent, making a focal point that draws the eye when you enter the space.) Hurley obliges, and is inspired to reupholster his salvaged airplane seat with cotton matelasse that he found in Ethan Rom's craft room in Caduceus.

Someone please alert J.J. Abrams and HGTV. If you thought Bad Twin was a brilliant if manipulative marketing ploy, just wait until the island-themed home makeover spin-off.

Ah, it's good to be back.