Happy Halloween!

To celebrate the holiday, I hereby present a photo of a pumpkin carved to resemble one of my very favorite op-ed boyfriends, Thomas L. Friedman:


He is just beaming forth from that pumpkin, urging us all to think a little more about globalization and Levantine politics on this Halloween.

A happy end-of-the-week post

Look at this happy guy:

(Thanks to my husband for the photo.)

As if Steve Perry wasn't enough

Another reason to dig the 2005 Chicago White Sox:


The only way this photo could be any better would be if Ozzie Guillen was kissing Steve Perry. Oh, and if Ozzie had closed his eyes (a little romance never hurts).

That woman who wanted a Todd Oldham doggie sofa ought to be ashamed of herself

On tonight's The Apprentice: Martha Stewart the morons had to obtain celebrity auction items and put them on the block for a Broadway Barks benefit. Seeing as how I love doggies, usually I am all for raising money to help them. However, not so much in this case.

The woman who drove up the bid on the Todd Oldham package deserves punishment akin to having her bunions massaged, by Jim, with Primarius' Asian Vinaigrette. My reasons are two-fold (though the second easily trumps the first): (1) Her priorities are completely out of whack if she's willing to spend $13,000+ on matching couches for her and her dog. Even if it is for charity. (2) The seemingly innocuous act of raising her paddle to bid above the $13,000 mark guaranteed a Primarius win and insured that Jim would survive to see another day, offend another million. If she had just set her Internal Spending Limit For Small Dog Furniture at what seems to be a reasonable sum of 13 grand, that asshole would be off my TiVo.

Thanks, lady. Thanks A LOT.

(Unrelated: Blogger.com spell check wants to change "asshole" to "Ashley." This will come in very handy if I ever accidentally write, "I bought this really great Laura Asshole dress." Or, "I didn't know Asshole Judd was related to Wynonna and Naomi!")

Update: For those of you who don't watch this show (you know who you are), here is a photo of Jim. See for yourself just how much he sucks!

Context: This screencap is from a scene that shows a Primarius working dinner, during which Jim was trying to convince his teammates to get drunk instead. Not sure how this face is supposed to be persuasive, but who am I to judge -- I'm the type of person who would, say, wish to be present at my child's birth instead of foregoing that happy occasion to spend time distorting my face to a table (nay, a nation) full of people who hate me.

I'm lovin', touchin', squeezin' this whole White Sox thing

As a lifelong Cleveland Indians fan, I have always loathed the Chicago White Sox. Even though I generally prefer "blue-collar" (Mets, White Sox) teams to wealthy entitled ones with wealthy entitled fans (Yankees, Cubs), I could never wholeheartedly root for a team who was in direct competition with my own. Plus, I strongly dislike Hawk and Wimpy.

This has changed. I hope the White Sox win the World Series.

Why? Two words: Steve Perry. The former lead singer of Journey has become the unofficial mascot of the team, even traveling to Houston -- at the team's urging -- to cheer them on:

Journey is making the road trip to Houston. At least Steve Perry, the former lead singer of the band is coming along as part of the White Sox family.

The group's 1981 hit "Don't Stop Believin''' has become the unofficial theme song of the White Sox, and club vice president for communications Scott Reifert tracked down Perry to bring him to Games 1 and 2 of the World Series in Chicago.

Reifert said Perry was invited into the clubhouse after Sunday's game and players urged him to come to Houston. He called the club Monday to say he'd join them there.

This is so awesome, I don't even know what to say. I wish I could adopt Steve Perry as my own personal mascot. Then I would never be far from a rendition of "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)." Ah, what a utopia that would be.

Here is what I would like to know

Well, actually it's not the only thing I'd like to know, but I am suffering from some schadenfreude and need to express it.

On this past week's The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, the crappy teams of raving lunatics were tasked with making and selling limited-edition salad dressings for Wish-Bone. The "new" Primarius came up with an "Asian Vinaigrette" and the "new" Matchstick created a "Rosemary Lime Vinaigrette." Matchstick won, no thanks to awful Leslie's surreptitious placing of multiple bottles of dressing in unsuspecting customers' carts.

Now. Wish-Bone is actually selling a line of Apprentice-branded limited-edition dressings: a Rosemary Lime Vinaigrette and a Cranberry Walnut Vinaigrette. So it looks like the winning Matchstick dressing made it to the big time, if the "big time" is the bottled salad dressing aisle. Does this mean that Primarius' Asian Vinaigrette sucked, and was not even worthy of mass consumption by the lowest common denominator? Or was the deal that only the winner's product would appear on the shelves?

I really hope it's the former, because Primarius' resident chef, frighteningly square-jawed Bethenny, maws on her food like a gigantic radioactive insect that's taken over Manhattan. Her dressing could never deserve to win. And anything and everything associated with Jim must go.

Not like I'd buy any reality star's salad dressing. Unless Zora made one. That I might consider.

Vapid

Here is what happens when Maverick lobotomizes you:

Two weeks ago, the world found out that Tom-Kat will be starting a family with their very own Tom-Kitten. “Today” West Coast contributor Maria Menounos got an exclusive first chat with Holmes since announcing the big baby news.

Katie Holmes: We're so excited.

Maria Menounos: Tell me like what it’s like: You're pregnant [and] you are marrying the man you've always dreamed of.

Holmes: I know.

Menounos: It's such a story book.

Holmes: It's amazing. I'm so happy, it's a dream come true. I feel great. I'm beaming and … I'm so excited.

Menounos: Are you guys going to start putting together the baby room and stuff?

Holmes: Yes. We're getting that together and I'm learning how to knit.

Menounos: Have you guys started putting wedding plans together yet?

Holmes: We are. We don't have a date just yet, but there is so much excitement going on. It's just amazing.

Menounos: It's your first wedding. I can imagine it's going to be the biggest wedding ever.

Holmes: It's exciting. We don't know yet but we are thrilled.

Menounos: What's Tom saying?

Holmes: He's thrilled.

Menounos: Is he filming right now?

Holmes: He's filming Mission Impossible 3.

Menounos: Do you get to visit him often?

Holmes: Yeah. I'm on my way right now.

Everything is so amazing and thrilling!

OK, so maybe Katie Holmes has a somewhat plausible excuse: she's been kidnapped and brainwashed by someone who enjoyed Battlefield Earth.

However, what is the justification for Maria Menounos' idiocy? "I can imagine it's going to be the biggest wedding ever." "Are you guys going to start putting together the baby room and stuff?" Someone pays her for this?!?

RIGHT NOW someone is recording an audition tape

Looks like Van Halen might be the subject of next year's Rock Star reality show, if indeed the show is renewed and if indeed we can trust MTV's reportage. This makes much more sense than the early rumors that Queen would be the band seeking a singer via a Mark Burnett production; as awesome as David Lee Roth-era Van Halen was, they were still nowhere as iconic as Queen. It would be folly to try to replace Freddie Mercury.

Maybe Ty will be back for the next Rock Star season. As much as I loathe him, anyone is better than Gary Cherone.

Update: Looks like this was a rumor after all. It appears that we should trust MTV about as much as Tina, Veronica and Rachel trust any bitch that crosses their path.

Citizen Han is crying tears of pride and joy

As I mentioned a few days ago, Peter "Chewie" Mayhew has indeed become a U.S. citizen:


Apparently his "Texan lady" wife, Angelique, "was beside him, with a drawing depicting Chewbacca, a background of the American flag and Union Jack and the words 'Citizen Wookiee.'"

Please tell me I can find this drawing on eBay.

Just when I was running out of ways to give money to Martha Stewart

In May 2006 Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia will launch a lifestyle magazine for women in their thirties. This is exciting, because it will give me one more sparsely-laid-out and aesthetically-pleasing title to read each month.

I must admit, however, that I am a little befuddled by the perceived need that Martha will address with this publication. I am in my thirties, and have been subscribing to Martha Stewart Living for years. Never once has it occurred to me that Living was not meant for me, but rather for older readers. I have never thought to myself, "Gee, I wish this article on variegated leaves had a younger edge." Which is to say, if you like variegated leaves, regardless of your age, you already subscribe to Living. If you're in your thirties and you're not into variegated leaves, a "young" Living probably is not going to awaken that interest in you. The Martha Stewart Aesthetic is not determined by age; you either love it, or you wish Martha would take her scalloped-edge scissors, yellowware bowls and brushed-nickel towel bars back to Alderson, WV. Age is irrelevant.

But still, see you in May, hip young Living.

How desperate are the Rolling Stones?

More desperate than Eva Longoria in a testosterone-filled prison yard. (OK, that was lame.)

This desperate: today the Rolling Stones premiered their new video for "Streets of Love" on "Days of Our Lives." Seeing as how it is my job to understand such critical developments in rock and roll, some friends and I caught the episode during our lunch break. Man, it was embarrassing. It went something like this:

[Shawn and Mimi are sitting on the sofa, watching television.]

Mimi: "Oh my God, I forgot this was going to be on!"

Shawn: "I never knew you were a Rolling Stones fan!"

Mimi: "They were only, like, the first concert I ever went to. My brother took me when I was 16. Best brother ever. You probably only ever took Belle to Backstreet Boys concerts. Anyway, not only was it the best music, but the visual effects were great! This is the premiere of their new video!"

[Mimi turns up volume.]

We then see the full video for "Streets of Love," which is not only a sucky video, but also a sucky song. Following that, the rest of the episode just unfolds as if none of the embarrassing Jaggertude ever took place.

I offer this criticism as if the rest of the show was so realistic, well-acted and sincere.

Saywell's, 1909 - 2005

In one of the more disturbing stories I've read today, it looks like Hudson, Ohio's dear Saywell's Drug Store will close its doors on October 25 after nearly a century in business. This is a sad day for Hudson -- Saywell's soda fountain and pharmacy have been downtown mainstays for generations. My childhood would not have been the same without Saywell's egg salad sandwiches, ice cream cones and malts. These kinds of establishments just don't exist anymore, which is, I guess, why they're going out of business.

(For the record, since I moved back to Hudson in 2000 I have been putting my money where my mouth is, opting to fill my prescriptions only at Saywell's in order to give them as much business as possible. Not that I am heroic or anything, but I did make every effort to spend money there.)

I wish owner Harvey Hanna well, and I understand the often unpleasant realities of operating a business -- especially when your business in part depends on nostalgia for a time gone by when there were not drive-through CVS pharmacies on each block. I recognize that he can't keep Saywell's open just so people who grew up in Hudson can fondly recall scoops of chocolate-peanut butter ice cream. Such nostalgia rarely pays the rent. But still, I wish it didn't have to be this way.

Main Street, Hudson, Ohio, is plus one Gap and minus one Saywell's. Unfortunately, the world seems only to want the former, when it's the latter we all need.

Once again, I am taking reality TV too seriously

This should come as absolutely no surprise to anyone with a functioning brain stem, but the candidates on The Apprentice: Martha Stewart are reprehensible.

Especially Jim. Judging purely by the standards of basic human decency -- disregarding whatever "business acumen" he may have -- he is the worst person ever. If for nothing else than his reaction to the birth of his daughter, which he did not attend because he was too busy baking a hideous asymmetrical hot pink wedding cake and threatening to smite his enemies with a sickle or his vicious rhetoric. His emotionally stirring phone conversation with his very pregnant wife was a poignant discourse on imminent fatherhood, and reminded me of that touching black and white poster of a shirtless man holding a newborn baby -- particularly when he ended the call by condescending to his wife, "good luck with your task." By "task," he meant "birthing my demon spawn, no thanks at all to my sorry ass."

Then there's poor Chuck, who was on the receiving end of Jim's homophobic condescension after the tulip-shop debacle. Who did Jim think he was impressing with that spread of Evian that he prepared for Chuck? Or his insincere "complimenting" of Chuck's wardrobe? Did Jim really think Chuck would be all, "Omigod, you totally 'get' me, and you seem understand that all gay men ever want is some expensive water and a few completely transparent compliments! Jim, you are straight, but not narrow! I will do whatever you please in the conference room! I could use a cocktail. Let's go dancing!"

Please, Martha, if you don't get rid of Jim soon I'll have to reevaluate my love for you, as well as my entire belief system. I don't know if I can follow through with your mandate to collect more Fire King batter bowls that I cannot afford, display or store if you continue to demonstrate such naivete in the face of pure evil. Your conference room is Jim's Sudetenland. Let him stay there too long, and before you know it he'll be torching Turkey Hill Road in a mad fit of misogynistic and homophobic rage. I doubt you'd be able to get all the drabware out in time; please don't say I didn't warn you.

Just a few more years, and we'll all know a little more about Yoda's early days on Dagobah

For those of you (my husband included) who would like to know a bit more about what happened between baby Luke's arrival on Tatooine at the end of Episode III and Leia's capture that opens Episode IV, it looks like the "episode 3 1/2" live-action TV series will air in 2007.

If I may, I'd like to request that George Lucas address a few key issues, including, but not limited to, the following:

1. Did Bail Organa's wife die when Leia was young? Or is Leia's admission that she remembers her sad and beautiful mother just a gaping plot hole?
   
   
2. How did Leia know Obi-Wan? Was he just a legend to her, one she learned about through stories that Bail Organa told?
   
   
3. When Obi-Wan last saw Anakin, Anakin was smoldering and perishing on Mustafar. I'd like to know if Obi-Wan walked away from his smoking torso assuming he would die? I really hope so; otherwise, that would make Obi-Wan kind of a pussy and I won't have that. I need my Obi-Wan to be resolute.
   
   
4. When and how did Vader learn that his child/children survived? If he truly didn't know this until he searched his feelings in Episode V, then I must say that The Force is kind of anemic and worthless.
   
   
5. Why did the technology not advance considerably in the intervening 19 years? At the end of Episode III, they're building the Death Star and flying around in the Tantive IV. Are we to believe that in nearly two decades, they didn't come up with any new technologies? Or, is Bail Organa just really good with Rebel blockade runner repair, easily extending the lives of his starships where others might just buy new ones?
   
   Perhaps there is a point to be made here about a totalitarian regime's stifling of technology and advancement. That oppression kills innovation and creativity. That the days of the Galactic Senate were a golden age that ended with the start of the Empire. Or, perhaps it is just a hole that losers like me are forced to explain with convoluted theories about human ingenuity and the machine of the state.
   
   
6. What's it really like on Alderaan? I mean, we'll never know otherwise, apart from that one brief scene at the end of Episode III.
   
   
7. How is it that Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru aged so horribly in 19 years? Is it really that harsh on Tatooine? The life of a moisture farmer is brutal and wicked, Rosasharn.

If nothing else, I hope we get to meet Tosche and see his stunning array of power converters.

He will always be Kashyyyk-ian to me

Welcome to United States citizenship, Peter Mayhew. You seem to get it already, trading in your Wookiee bowcaster for our national pastime:


May you not miss Tarfful too much, and may your apple pie always be a pleasing blend of tart and sweet. May I continue to wish you well, because it is not wise to upset a Wookiee.

"Lost" is freaking me out, in a good way

The best line from "Lost" last night was almost a throw-away, uttered rather quietly in the dank recesses below the Hatch where the characters were looking for a way through the thick cement walls. It was thrilling and sent chills up my spine when Sayid told Jack that "the last time I heard of concrete being poured over everything in this way was Chernobyl."

Which you may know refers to the hastily-built concrete sarcophagus that was poured over Chernobyl after the accident, to contain at least some of the radioactive debris. The sarcophagus was constructed by thousands of Soviet soldiers, miners, firefighters, etc. who were rather frighteningly called "liquidators." One filmmaker who captured this aftermath of the reactor disaster quickly died of radiation poisoning. (An incredible documentary -- by a different, still-living filmmaker -- aired on HBO not too long ago called "Chernobyl Heart," which focused on diseases that are impacting generations of children in the region.) Tell me this isn't a fascinating story.

So, what the hell is the Hatch? Maybe electromagnetics aren't so dry after all. "Lost" just keeps getting better and better.

Thanks to a $20,000 gift from Kruger Industrial Smoothing

There is a new charitable foundation in town. It was founded in March 2005. Its mission is noble: to support arts programs for under-served children in Cleveland. Of which there are many. Under-served children, that is, not arts programs (though there are a good number of those in the city, too).

The foundation is called The Human Fund. And it is not a joke. Because it would be cruel to toy with Mr. Kruger twice. Somewhere, George Costanza is fuming.

Wednesdays are so exciting...

...if you are a huge geek who is obsessed with television. Which I am. So, I look forward to each new episode of "Lost" with similar fervor as those people who stand in line in owl costumes awaiting new Harry Potter installments. Thankfully, there are few public opportunities to, say, dress up as Hurley, so my geekdom is at least a bit more private.

In my anticipation of this evening, I came across this article on MSNBC.com, which contains some scintillating information and theories -- as well as some stunning examples of a geekdom that, frankly, I hope I never achieve (a fan-produced map of the Hatch!). Salient points include:

1. "Some folks even think Ana-Lucia was one of the Others before she got on the flight, and her meeting Jack in the Sydney airport bar wasn't a coincidence." Man, that would be freaky, and certainly more interesting than further exposition of the electromagnetic properties of the island. I like science as much as the next Alvar Hanso, but still, the topic of electromagnetics = dry.
   
   
2. "In the season opener, two patients came into Jack's ER. He made a choice to save wife-to-be Sara. The other patient, Adam Rutherford, shares a last name with Shannon. Coincidence? We think not." I love the flashback sequences that show pre-crash connections (and missed connections) between the characters. It's the whole six degrees thing. Plus, I find comfort that some fate-like force could be steering our otherwise random and haphazard existences. (This might also be the reason why I am so interested in the Desmond character, and why I love that scene last week where Jack loses it whilst chasing Desmond through the bush, as if he can't handle the enormity of fate and/or coincidence.)
   
   
3. "'Lost' creator J.J. Abrams is having a good chuckle right now. And we got a big tip-off from E! Online, which got co-creator Damon Lindelof to tell everyone to 'check out Marvin Candle's left hand. Weird, huh?' We did, and found that Candle's left arm and hand never moves throughout the entire orientation film. In fact it looks a bit fake, like a bad prosthetic." My prediction: Marvin Candle is the one-armed man who killed Dr. Richard Kimble's wife. Quick, somebody call Tommy Lee Jones.

We love us our Indians, and our self pity

It could just be the naturally-bred low self esteem that comes from being born and raised in the Cleveland area and motivates me to assume the worst about this fair city, but Gawker seems to be mocking the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum. From an entry about a casting call for an upcoming Strokes video:

Hey you! Yeah, you! Do you have what it takes to be a part of rock ‘n’ roll history? Do you want to be forever immortalized in a money-losing vanity project museum in a mid-sized city you never visit? Here’s the opportunity you’ve been waiting for!

I strongly dislike the Strokes and am not quite sure what scenario would lead to their being immortalized in the Rock Hall; I do kinda think the Rock Hall is a vanity project; and it is a simple fact that Cleveland is a mid-sized city. However, the Rock Hall is not losing money, and from time to time some people do visit Cleveland. Honestly. It is rare, but it happens. Like, Jay-Z once came here to watch LeBron play.

Defensive much? That's the thing about Clevelanders: we often feel badly that we are from this place, and we sheepishly acknowledge its suckitude when we have to. But outside criticism hurts. If we are cut, do we not bleed? If a spark from a welder's torch lands on our river, does it not burn?

Cleveland is a post-industrial wasteland with a horrible school system, heartbreaking poverty and a severe brain-drain problem, but, damn it, it's our post-industrial wasteland with a horrible school system, heartbreaking poverty and a severe brain-drain problem. Plus, we can't all be fabulous New Yorkers. Somebody has to toil in the unfashionable Midwestern trenches, if only to ensure Manhattan's superiority. You know, as Rush says, philosophers and ploughmen, each must know his part.

Why so formal, disabled vehicle driver?

On my way into work this morning, I passed a vehicle that had been pulled over to the side of I-77. The driver was outside of his car, changing a tire. Par for the rush-hour course.

As I whizzed by, however, I noticed that said driver was wearing a tuxedo. The jacket was off, and I could see the bow tie and cummerbund. Now, this strikes me as out of the ordinary for a Monday morning. It's not like he was a limo driver changing a tire on a stretch livery vehicle. It was a teal Honda.

So the rest of the way into work I imagined why this fellow might be so formally dressed at 8:45 on a Monday morning. Was he in a wedding last night, and now must do some sort of drive of shame back home from a hook-up with a bridesmaid? If so, why bother putting the cummerbund back on? Is he trying to resurrect everyday formalwear? Is he tooling around in his Honda, hoping to find a woman in a corset and hoop skirt? Is he an out-of-work emcee who's having trouble accepting reality? Is he part of a Men's Wearhouse guerrilla marketing campaign? Is he John O'Hurley?

He is probably a limo driver on his way into work. Bo-ring.

It just didn't fit in

OK, so this news is a couple of days old. What can I say, I've been sluggish and under the weather of late -- plus, I spent most of the weekend catching up on TiVoed episodes of "Stella" that I missed the first time around. Brilliant. Black, Showalter and Wain should be in charge of the entire world; what a wonderful world it would be.

Focus. It looks like Martha Stewart has ditched her "Apprentice" catchphrase, "You just don't fit in." Thank goodness. Granted, I wouldn't want many of "The Apprentice: Martha Stewart" contestants fitting in with anything I was doing, primariusly because they are insufferable human beings. (Case in point: Shawn appeared on Martha's morning talk show the day after her dismissal, and boy was she a pain in the ass. Kept interrupting Martha, inserting extraneous details of the tragedies she'd experienced in her personal life into a segment about wedding cakes, etc. I would've fired her, too.) However, I am relieved that some MSLO/Mark Burnett lackey realized the idiocy of this catchphrase and seemingly remedied the situation.

Interesting that I think those five words are ridiculous, yet I wholeheartedly support Martha's right to paddle a 600-lb. pumpkin across a Nova Scotian lake regardless of her ex-con status. Because that's not absurd at all. (Although a quick check of Google News tells me that she didn't participate in the Pumpkin Regatta after all due to bad weather in Maine. Cursed rain.)

"Lost" has been so bad-ass since they cast Eddie Vedder to play the dude in the Hatch

Desmond:

Vedder:

Somewhere, somehow, Stone Gossard holds the key to the island's mysteries.

Last day in Ty Taylor, I swear

Yes, I know that the INXS show is over. The new single is even out, via iTunes. And J.D. Fortune has already been on The Ellen Degeneres Show. But that still won't stop me from reiterating the ridiculousness that is Ty Taylor. From the Chicago Tribune:

Coming off of a great performance last night, which the crowd and the band loved, how did it feel when you were called into the bottom three today?

Well, I've gotten used to it a little bit. Like I was saying, it was exciting because I got to sing an INXS song ["The One Thing"] which was far from mediocre, like they said. I guess they needed some reason to say I was going home because I know my performance wasn't mediocre. [Laughs.]

It hurt, really. It's hard. And I've spent this whole show really never taking any platform about race issues at all, but I know how hard it is just judging by history, judging by the fact that I can count on my hands how many successful artists there have been that are African-American in rock 'n' roll. And it's just like a lot of people aren't going to watch the television show that aren't into rock music, and then therefore those people that have not seen enough black people in rock 'n' roll don't think to put me in [the band, INXS]. That's the only reason, that's the only reason. I know things. I'm very in touch with myself and the world and spirituality. And I know what my performances are like and I know – now that I don't have to deal with being so politically correct – I know where they land as far as substance. And you know, I hate having to live history [Starts crying]. You know that's it. I just hate being a part of something that just doesn't seem like it's gonna change.

[We stop the interview while Ty cries.]

I swear this is the end of it, but this guy drives me absolutely crazy. First of all, Ty's performance of "The One Thing" was mediocre at best -- if for no other reason than he got the words wrong in the chorus each time he sang them. Have some respect. This is not even to mention his weird off-key chanting of the verses.

Second, he can count the number of African-Americans who've succeeded in rock and roll on his hands? I need at least three hands to count just the members of Parliament-Funkadelic.

Third, he knows things? What things? Not "The One Thing."

Finally, the poor Tribune had to stop the interview while Ty cried. Tito, get me a Kleenex.