Once again, I am taking reality TV too seriously

This should come as absolutely no surprise to anyone with a functioning brain stem, but the candidates on The Apprentice: Martha Stewart are reprehensible.

Especially Jim. Judging purely by the standards of basic human decency -- disregarding whatever "business acumen" he may have -- he is the worst person ever. If for nothing else than his reaction to the birth of his daughter, which he did not attend because he was too busy baking a hideous asymmetrical hot pink wedding cake and threatening to smite his enemies with a sickle or his vicious rhetoric. His emotionally stirring phone conversation with his very pregnant wife was a poignant discourse on imminent fatherhood, and reminded me of that touching black and white poster of a shirtless man holding a newborn baby -- particularly when he ended the call by condescending to his wife, "good luck with your task." By "task," he meant "birthing my demon spawn, no thanks at all to my sorry ass."

Then there's poor Chuck, who was on the receiving end of Jim's homophobic condescension after the tulip-shop debacle. Who did Jim think he was impressing with that spread of Evian that he prepared for Chuck? Or his insincere "complimenting" of Chuck's wardrobe? Did Jim really think Chuck would be all, "Omigod, you totally 'get' me, and you seem understand that all gay men ever want is some expensive water and a few completely transparent compliments! Jim, you are straight, but not narrow! I will do whatever you please in the conference room! I could use a cocktail. Let's go dancing!"

Please, Martha, if you don't get rid of Jim soon I'll have to reevaluate my love for you, as well as my entire belief system. I don't know if I can follow through with your mandate to collect more Fire King batter bowls that I cannot afford, display or store if you continue to demonstrate such naivete in the face of pure evil. Your conference room is Jim's Sudetenland. Let him stay there too long, and before you know it he'll be torching Turkey Hill Road in a mad fit of misogynistic and homophobic rage. I doubt you'd be able to get all the drabware out in time; please don't say I didn't warn you.