Poor little Pippa

My sister has alerted me to the sweet, humorous and somewhat sad story of Pippa, the sulphur-crested cockatoo who is guarding a bowl of chocolate eggs as if they were her own.

There is a reason the sulphur-crested cockatoo is my favorite bird: Cadbury! Just like me, they are fiercely protective of Cadbury!

She might have a few pounds to lose herself, after carrying the demon spawn of DiMera

EXCELLENT NEWS INVOLVING TWO OF MY MOST FAVORITEST TELEVISION PROGRAMMES:

Q: When is "The Biggest Loser" returning to television? It is very motivating.

A: "The Biggest Loser," NBC's weight-loss reality show, has been renewed for a fourth season. Casting has ended, but there's no word yet on when the show will air -- probably late summer or early fall.

NBC is promising fresh changes for the new season, and one of them was announced in February: Host Caroline Rhea, often criticized by viewers for carrying a few extra pounds herself, will not be returning.

The show's new host is Alison Sweeney, who plays Sami on NBC's daytime soap "Days of Our Lives." Sweeney told Soap Opera Digest "I don't mean to be cheesy, but I really believe in the message of the show, which is helping people and educating them on how to live a healthier life." She also told the magazine that her "Loser" shoots will not affect her role on "Days" and she will continue to appear on the soap.

I can already imagine the potential catchphrases: "I'm sorry, you are not the biggest loser. But at least E.J. Wells has not brainwashed you." Or, "It's time to cut the fat...and harvest John Black's kidney!"

My OJ can't relate to this because we live in a small Midwestern town

And the only "notable" people we see in the Acme are those local real estate agents with many millions in annual sales. But still, hilarious:

Dear Gallon of Orange Juice,

Just last Sunday I picked you up from your brightly lit case at Bowery Whole Foods. Why I picked you, only God can say. Had I not picked you, your fate surely would have traced a different course. Just last Sunday, I stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Liev Schrieber, the Brando of our generation, and we together eyed the rows and columns of fresh squeezed juice, a tropical spreadsheet. His hand, which is also the Brando's hand of our generation, reached out and plucked your citrus brother from his place while I grabbed your handle and threw you, callously, on top of a bunch of asparagus I had picked up next to The Soprano's Will Janowitz.

And so off you went with me, while Liev, cradling your brother in his arms, strolled without you to buy some organic strawberries. Don't be cross with me, my gallon. Be happy your twin is resting in a $20,000 Sub Zero fridge, waking up to Naomi Watts in some flimsy nightie, and bringing him to her lips for a long cool drink. You, on the other hand, have me to contend with, ridden with halitosis and no starlets. Your only friends in our rattling jalopy of a fridge is a tub of brackish mayonnaise and a tallboy.

It's no wonder, therefore, that you are becoming less and less present by the day. You were fully there on Sunday afternoon and by Sunday night, you had ebbed and retreated. Do not go gently, dear Orange Juice, for though you may perish, as soon as April 7th in fact, your brother is somewhere in the GI tract of one of the greatest actors of our generation.

Sincerely,
Joshua David Stein

Geddy Lee is a powerful motivator

There is an ad on ESPN for the network's free fantasy baseball "service," and it fucking rules.

I do enjoy baseball, but I would never participate in any sort of fantasy league. In fact, participating in some such league, for me, would be much less of a fantasy and much more of a hellish reality. My husband -- lifelong Mets fan, Major League Baseball employee, knower of all statistics -- as you might imagine participates in several leagues each year. He even won some cash money last year in his favorite league, thereby earning himself the right to tote around a communal trophy for the 2007 season (which is roughly the size of the Stanley Cup).


As you can imagine, I make fun of him a lot. (Except for when he wins the benjamins. That I am OK with.)

So last night during the Mets vs. Cardinals season opener this ad came on, and because I love the rock I immediately looked up from the issue of This Old House that I was reading. I thought, OK, this is a funny ad. Could have been done better, but there is a keytar so I can't complain. Then we reached the end of the ad, where it became the most awesome television advertisement since Domino's Pizza mocked my silly rules: Rush's Geddy Lee wails, "FANTASY BASEBALL IT'S FREE AND IT ROCKS!!!" Case, closed. Fucking socks, rocked off. And I don't even like Rush.

(The YouTube video of the ad unfortunately cuts off a split second too soon, so one can't appreciate the full sincerity of Geddy's exhortation. Sadly, I sort of suck at the Internet and can't find a better version.)

When the ad was over, Husband turned to me and said, "See, now you're going to want to do fantasy baseball." And instead of my normal response, which would have been something like, "I would never do fantasy baseball; no way it is for losers," I instead said, "I don't know enough about baseball to do fantasy baseball."

Because if I knew more, dear Geddy, you and I would be negotiating a trade RIGHT NOW.