Maybe they should just promote receptionist Julia

So my prediction was wrong: Leslie is not going to be the winner of The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. And based on her awkwardness in last night’s episode, she does not deserve to be.

Problem is, none of the other remaining five candidates is particularly suited to the Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia gig. (Well, I suppose this is only problematic if you consider totally meaningless things that have no bearing on actual life to be problematic. Although I postulate that if you labor in the crafty trenches of MSLO, trying to paint all the wainscots at Skylands a delightful shade of “Bone Folder” by Martha Stewart for Sherwin-Williams before Alexis returns from a lesbian romp along the Maine coastline, you might be a little more invested in the outcome of an absurd television contest that will saddle you with another “executive” to whom you must report.)

I suppose Dawna is the frontrunner, but her forehead wrinkles still scare me. Jim remains an impossibility – his psychotic and inappropriate blabbering to MSLO CEO Susan Lyne about his “strategy” to eliminate the stronger players was a low point, even for a man who, in the same episode, got down on all fours and growled at the grill of an automobile. Marcela really does need better posture. Even I would have trouble hiring someone who slumped in her conference room chair like a spoiled fourth grader who didn’t get a pony for her birthday. Dios mio. Bethenny isn’t the sharpest spade in the Turkey Hill potting shed, even though you could use her severe jaw line to hoe around the heirloom tomato plants. And Ryan. “Recent law graduate” Ryan. My little nephew is a Gerber Graduate, and I'm sure he could've come up with something better than the "no valet necessary" concept to sell the Buick Lucerne.

The upshot: I don't know why I keep watching this show. Really, it is beyond me. The contestants are idiots. Martha, when not appearing via video, is grating, bored and annoying (must have something to do with the ankle bracelet). Alexis needs someone to stand behind her conference room chair and pull her string every so often, so she can start to say something only to trail off listlessly and allow her head to loll to one side. Charles needs to confront his oral fixation in a more direct and honest manner.

And me, I need to think more about Lost. Which will be easy to do because there are SIX BLASTED WEEKS until the next new episode airs on January 11, 2006. Curses.